Okay soooooo...I have a huge heart...I mean huge...when I fall, Chisa falls SUPER hard...I go in all the way giving 110% of myself no matter what...If I decide to jump into a relationship with you it's because I intend to be in it for the long hall...nothing is ever just casual for me...as time has gone on in my short 28yrs of being on the planet I have come to the conclusion that I am VERY different from most folks my age...hell, it's been like that for me almost my whole life...
When I was younger I was very...ummm I guess you can say SLOW when it came to the opposite sex...while most folks were cuddled up, going to movies, drinking, smoking, and whatever else went on in junior high and high-school, Chisa was doing the complete opposite...I had hella male friends and was with them all the time, but I was almost just like one of the fellas...I mean guys flirted and I flirted right back but I was always too scared to pursue anything, plus I saw and heard what my guy friends were doing and talking about and refused to be "that chic"...it amazed/freaked me out what folks were doing...lol...I mean sure I was curious but then again "I JUST WASN'T READY"
With that little background information we are gonna just call me a "late bloomer" (smile) but it's the being a "late bloomer" that I blame for my relationship naivete...I feel like a lil girl in most of my relationships...I look to my partner for guidance and have found that--that is not the best thing to do all the time...I've found myself being guided in the WRONG direction way too many times...not knowing much or what my role was supposed to be I always just molded myself into whatever he needed me to be...totally WRONG thing to do...I like making the folks I care about happy and so with my guy I was always willing to do whatever made him happy even if what I was doing was hurting me...I look back now and all I can do is laugh at some of the stuff I've done in the name of LOVE...what gets me though is most folks got the stuff I was doing out of their system when they were in their teens...lol...that always made me feel kinda silly cuz her my grown ass is acting like a love stricken teenager...but hey, I guess that's life right?
I have just recently, I mean like last month recently (smile) decided to stand up for myself and the things that I want in both life and my relationships...hence I am single at the moment (sad face)...when I actually opened up and let out my TRUE opinion, it wasn't freely accepted but I refuse to go back to that quiet little girl anymore...I mean I know I am FAR from perfect, I have my crazy moments, I'm emotional, etc. but I have decided that to be in love and have a love that is gonna last the rest of my life I need to be with someone that is going to see the REAL me and actually want to stick it out with WHO I AM...
so here I am single and finding it hard to get thru some days...I know that sounds a bit strange but being able to do whatever it is that I want to do is actually foreign to me...heck, I really don't know what it is I actually like (smile) I'm so use to things being a joint decision...for example, making food for two and being limited to what the menu would be because of other's dislikes was my way of life but now I can actually eat/cook whatever I want (weird)...then there is the whole lonely thing...It feels good waking up with someone next to you and being cuddled up when you're going to sleep at night...I miss the dinner and TV show rituals, movie nights, and the joys of sharing your heart with someone...
I think I harp so much on being in a relationship because I am sooooo big on family...my parents were married when my mom was in her early 20's and have been happy ever since...I always thought I was gonna be married by 23 and have at least two kids by 28 and here I am no where close to that...I see happily married couples and am filled with joy inside...love and family is the real reason why we are here (at least that's what I believe) and I long for LOVE...
so I keep praying and developing myself from the inside out and hold on to the hope and dream that ONE DAY (I hope sooner than later) I will find love and actually know what to do with it (smile)
sorry if I jumped all over the place...just some "THOUGHTS FROM MY HEAD"
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Hey Chisa that was lovely to read... thank u for sharing ur personal thoughts. i know it must not be easy to put urself out there like that. I to like u don't communicate my feelings that freely. I keep things bottled up and try to deal with them on my on until im ready to blow my top! And thats NoT GOOD. So this is a great way to blow off some steam... As far as where u are in ur life. I believe u r exactly where God wants you to be! U may look at other peoples life and think u want what they have... but everything that glitters aint gold. I know u want a family bc that whats u grew up with and u will when its ur time! and there aint nothing wrong with being a "late bloomer"... U are wiser for it! I could say that i look at u thinking where i went wrong and i wish that i was a nurse and truly pursing my career the way i always envisioned but such is life... we make decisions and choices that will tailor our destiny! so dont feel no way tired because we can all say WHAT IF. U are a special human being with gigantic potentiality and i know u r living up to it. Dont allow anyone to make u feel as though u need to compromise who u r... God made u perfectly Chisa right from the start. AND THERE IS SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO WILL LOVE U FOR EXACTLY WHO U R.. IMPERFETIONS AND ALL. i dont have all the answers and i got my own drama.. but i do know its important ro uplift each other when we need a word.. so that is my word for u! I LOVE U and ur always in my heart and prayers! Woooooo this blogging thing feels good. Its thearpy for the soul!
ReplyDeleteI love you Cheeseball. You are a really sweet woman. When God sends you Mr. Right you will be ready. Enjoy the path your on now. It leads to happiness and everlasting love. I say to everyone that hasn't seen "Butterfly Effect", go rent it. One decision changes everything. Enjoy the journey......
ReplyDeleteHey Chisa, I feel like I just received a gift from the blog you just posted. Thank you for sharing. I am glad that you are experiencing this new awakening in your spirit. Good luck on your journey. I have added ur blog to my favs.
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