Realization

ok...its been way too long since i've released stuff out of my dome, lol...so here we go...
been thinking about relationships A LOT lately...watching and listening to other folks and how they react to certain things really helped me form my own opinion on this issue...
me, I guess u can say I'm normal till pushed over the edge, then there is no telling what I will do, lol...most of u are probably thinking, Chisa---she is soo calm, quiet, she wouldn't wild out, but when it comes to relationships I've been known to go BUCK wild,lol...but I don't want to be that person anymore...If I have to go crazy or wild out in a relationship there is a PROBLEM and I need to GET OUT fast quick and in a hurry.
So, before I use to worry and get pissed off with my the whole hanging/phone talking/texting/etc. with other chics...yeap, I would be that one asking who is that/where u know her from/how long ya'll been friends/u ever boink/etc...depending on the response I got I would get all worked up/pissed/and even sometimes get my feelings hurt. U'd be gone going on with ur day and my thoughts would be racing wondering where u were, who u were with, what u were doing, wondering if u lied, etc...I'd create a whole scenario in my head and then just run with it. It was bad!!!
Now however I've decided to not waste my thoughts and energy on things I can not change...if ur dude/friend wants to kick it with another chic he's gonna do it, complaining or worrying about it is just a waste of time...If he is a flirt, he's gonna flirt, complaining or worrying about it, again---just a waste of time...
you gotta figure out what u will and will not go for n ur relationship...know urself and figure out what makes u uncomfortable and then decide if u can handle the person u r with...it's best to know what u want in the beginning of ur relationship but we have a right to change our minds whenever we want.
before u start complaining or accussing ur other half of cheating know what outcome u want...if ur accussing him of cheating but are not breaking up with him then ur sending a signal that cheating is ok...no need to worry about loosing me cuz I think ur cheating on me but I'm still right here complaining...also, u gotta be careful what u ask...dont ask a question ur not ready for the answer to...AND, know that ur actions get a reaction...not saying to be scared to express urself but know that how u express urself can back fire n ur face...u can hit a nerve with the other person and they can be turned off/pissed off/or even gone just because they r not gonna go for being accussed all the time/wildouted (lol soo not a word) on/etc.
then too, if ur complaining and going crazy all the time ur just pushing the other person away...if u r annoying me but oh boy over there is hella laid back i might just go see what oh boy is about
for a while i didnt really realize what made me uncomfortable...had to go thru certain things to realize what I would go for and what I wouldn't

yeah those were hella random, hopefully they made some kind of sense though

oh, and for the record...
1. I am not a cheater nor will I go for cheating
2. You cheat u loose me and IF I cheat it means I'm done and have probably been done for a while but for what ever reason ur not letting me go.

Loving & Learning...But it's SOOOOO Hard

Okay soooooo...I have a huge heart...I mean huge...when I fall, Chisa falls SUPER hard...I go in all the way giving 110% of myself no matter what...If I decide to jump into a relationship with you it's because I intend to be in it for the long hall...nothing is ever just casual for me...as time has gone on in my short 28yrs of being on the planet I have come to the conclusion that I am VERY different from most folks my age...hell, it's been like that for me almost my whole life...

When I was younger I was very...ummm I guess you can say SLOW when it came to the opposite sex...while most folks were cuddled up, going to movies, drinking, smoking, and whatever else went on in junior high and high-school, Chisa was doing the complete opposite...I had hella male friends and was with them all the time, but I was almost just like one of the fellas...I mean guys flirted and I flirted right back but I was always too scared to pursue anything, plus I saw and heard what my guy friends were doing and talking about and refused to be "that chic"...it amazed/freaked me out what folks were doing...lol...I mean sure I was curious but then again "I JUST WASN'T READY"

With that little background information we are gonna just call me a "late bloomer" (smile) but it's the being a "late bloomer" that I blame for my relationship naivete...I feel like a lil girl in most of my relationships...I look to my partner for guidance and have found that--that is not the best thing to do all the time...I've found myself being guided in the WRONG direction way too many times...not knowing much or what my role was supposed to be I always just molded myself into whatever he needed me to be...totally WRONG thing to do...I like making the folks I care about happy and so with my guy I was always willing to do whatever made him happy even if what I was doing was hurting me...I look back now and all I can do is laugh at some of the stuff I've done in the name of LOVE...what gets me though is most folks got the stuff I was doing out of their system when they were in their teens...lol...that always made me feel kinda silly cuz her my grown ass is acting like a love stricken teenager...but hey, I guess that's life right?

I have just recently, I mean like last month recently (smile) decided to stand up for myself and the things that I want in both life and my relationships...hence I am single at the moment (sad face)...when I actually opened up and let out my TRUE opinion, it wasn't freely accepted but I refuse to go back to that quiet little girl anymore...I mean I know I am FAR from perfect, I have my crazy moments, I'm emotional, etc. but I have decided that to be in love and have a love that is gonna last the rest of my life I need to be with someone that is going to see the REAL me and actually want to stick it out with WHO I AM...

so here I am single and finding it hard to get thru some days...I know that sounds a bit strange but being able to do whatever it is that I want to do is actually foreign to me...heck, I really don't know what it is I actually like (smile) I'm so use to things being a joint decision...for example, making food for two and being limited to what the menu would be because of other's dislikes was my way of life but now I can actually eat/cook whatever I want (weird)...then there is the whole lonely thing...It feels good waking up with someone next to you and being cuddled up when you're going to sleep at night...I miss the dinner and TV show rituals, movie nights, and the joys of sharing your heart with someone...

I think I harp so much on being in a relationship because I am sooooo big on family...my parents were married when my mom was in her early 20's and have been happy ever since...I always thought I was gonna be married by 23 and have at least two kids by 28 and here I am no where close to that...I see happily married couples and am filled with joy inside...love and family is the real reason why we are here (at least that's what I believe) and I long for LOVE...

so I keep praying and developing myself from the inside out and hold on to the hope and dream that ONE DAY (I hope sooner than later) I will find love and actually know what to do with it (smile)

sorry if I jumped all over the place...just some "THOUGHTS FROM MY HEAD"

Old Stuff but Still Relevant

Old fashion...my momma made me that way...don't call me out my name cuz I rolled my eyes and walked away...I mean, you did comment on the size of my ass before you even knew my name...was that meant as a compliment...was that suppose to make me feel good about myself...or maybe you thought by sharing your x-rated thoughts with me, I would want to stop and get to know you better... Not conceited...just real...so don't think because I agreed to dance that your hands can run up and down my thighs...just because she let you grab her ass doesn't mean we all are like that...never assume because I'm tipsy and enjoying myself I don't know whats going on...you will soon find out I have no problem knocking a nigga out if and when he gets out of line... Never stuck up...just have self-respect...so look but only touch with permission...smile but only comment when engaged in conversation...don't buy me anything, take me anywhere, or help me with anything if "Thank You" won't be enough...I don't like debt and will NEVER owe you anything!!!!!

Money and material things mean nothing without a plan... Words mean nothing without follow through... You are nothing without a heart... Love won't exist with lies... We won't last without trust and sincerity!!!

Not perfect but what you see is me...no lies...no games...no regrets!!!

I'm timid and always remain quiet until I'm comfortable and then..... I guarantee to make you laugh, cry, smile, & frown...not all at once though...lol...but hey, at the end of the day, you'll still love me and I'll love you right back!

LIFE IS NOT A GAME...STOP PLAYING SO MUCH!!! YOU ONLY GET ONE...DONT BLOW IT!!!


Some of u probably already read this from me before but recent situations n my life made me want to re-post this...You wanna know what I'm thinking...there it is!!!! This is me...IM NOT LIKE THAT CHIC...THERE IS ONLY ONE CHISAMARIE!!!!

Learning To Let Go

Wrote this a couple of weeks ago...wasn't gonna publish it but hey, gotta keep letting stuff out...so here are some more "thoughts from my head"

Soooooooo...if you know me then you know that when I fall, I fall WAY too hard in love...I jump in with all I have and give all of myself no matter what the cost...part of me wishes I didn't care so much and didn't put soooo much into my relationship and the person I am with but then the other part of me is proud of how I am...I mean if I found the RIGHT person to fall in love with then me giving my all in the relationship wouldn't be a bad thing at all, WOULD IT? Life really trips me out...I was supposed to be married and have at least two kids by now...when I was younger I thought I would be married by 21 have my first child at 23 and then keep going from there...BOY WAS I WRONG...here I am at 28yrs old and now SINGLE...it's funny because so many folks I know embrace that word and wear it like a badge of honor...me, I kind of look at it as a curse...I like being in a relationship...it feels good waking up next to someone in the morning, cooking and planning meals out, just the normal day to day stuff...that's what I miss...I have to learn how to be alone all over again and that's weird...it's all about me and what I WANT to do and I'm just not use to that...DOES THAT SOUND CRAZY? Even knowing something is not right for me and that there is probably something a WHOLE lot better out in the world...SOMEWHERE...lol...I still am hesitant to just let go...it's like a bad habbit...it's been a part of my life for so long being without it feels WRONG...I have to keep catching myself...I see something funny and I want to make that phone call and share my experience, something makes me mad and there I am again getting ready to send a quick text...I truly HATE this!!!! Then to make things worse the other end of the relationship isn't letting go so easy either...THIS IS HARD!!!!

Wrote this a couple of weeks ago...wasn't gonna publish it but hey, gotta keep letting stuff out...so here are some more "thoughts from my head"

Being the Little Sister

I don't know about you but being a sibling can be hard on a person at times...growing up it was just me and my older sister...we are only two years apart but from the start we were and are still best friends...I love my sister dearly and have looked up to her for as long as I can remember...but being younger and looking up to her has taken it's tole on me and my development as a woman...see, my whole life I have compared my success to her...she excelled in school---talking about declared "gifted" in junior high and 4.0 g.p.a thru high school and went to an Ivy League College...me on the otherhand...my grades were good---mostly B's and few A's, just your average good kid...this is where my problems began...because I felt I couldn't make my parents proud with my grades I decided I would excell in sports and try to shine in a different way...that worked out great but my shine still did not get me the full ride in college that I thought would have really made my parents proud...now before you start thinking that my parents influenced my thoughts or feelings in anyway, let me set the record straight...they NEVER compared us at all...they loved us equally and were equally proud of us...but yet, these thoughts of comparison stayed in my mind thru out my life...I just felt everyone was doing it...so here I am now 28yrs old and still comparing my success to my sister's...will this ever END?

This particular Blog was sparked by the fact that my sister recently turned 3o and bought her 1st home...yep, all by herself w/out help from anyone she did it and I am SOOOO proud of her...but then little sister mind kicks in and I start looking at my life and saying..."There is NO way I am going to be ready to buy a house in two years"...it's crazy because I really do think and try to plan out buying a house in the near future...now I know you're probably thinking it's all in my head and no one is comparing us at all so I should just "GET OVER IT" and be happy where I am in life...but before you give me the "love your-self" or "everyone's path is different" speech just hear me out...it's the comments that I get hit with constantly that make me think, well maybe I should be buying a house soon...for example: Just the other day we were at SEARS because big sis was buying appliances for her house, the sales guy at first was talking to my mom until my mother pointed out that it was actually my sister who was buying the appliances for her home...so to make a long story short she orders the stuff and right before we leave the freaking sales guy turns to me and goes "so, where's your house?" now I wanted to just shout "REALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!" but instead I laughed it off and said "well I'm the little sister so I still have some time"...but really, who did he think he was...why ask that question...am I reading too much into it...man, what can I say...just some random "thoughts from my head"!